Let’s say you are eating a hamburger. It’s grilled to perfection, slathered in mustard with just enough Worcester sauce. It seems perfect, but something is………missing.
Or let’s say you got a turkey and swiss sandwich on sourdough. You savor every last bite, licking the plate for crumbs while you polish off the chips. But you finish the meal and are left vaguely unsatisfied.
Why oh why can’t you enjoy food? What is going on? What is missing? DAMN DIRTY APES!!!!!
Leave the apes alone, Heston. Your problem is simple:
You live in a world without pickles.
Pickles top our sandwiches, garnish our plates and pucker our lips. They are bitter, but they leave you feeling oh so sweet. Now I am obviously a fan of the green wonder, but even non-fanatics can agree: Pickles are a legitimate food.
Flinchbot Says: Sure, pickles are a legitimate food. You eat them, your body handles it, you shoot it out a while later just like all other foods. However, there is one caveat to this particular food.
Pickles are infallible proof that Satan exists because pickles are the work of the devil.
Yes, Old Scratch, in his constantly scheming and nefarious ways, has forced the pickle into the popular conscience. He passes it off as a food but in all actuality he is using the pickle to steal your soul.
Oh you might think I’m crazy. You would be wrong. I have shocking, infallible proof that the pickle is evil. After reading my thoroughly documented and well written argument, your entire pickle weltanschauung will change. You will quit eating pickles, you will be happier, and slowly but surely you will recover parts of your soul. This will lead to brighter teeth, healthier skin, and a better sense of smell.
Fact 1.) The color of a pickle is proof of supernatural meddling.
Look at the color of a pickle. Where else in nature does this color show up? Is there any other vegetable, fruit, meat, dairy, or grain product that has this color? No, there isn’t. This glow-in-the dark radioactive green hue is not something found anywhere else in the world except in the pickle. Why is that? Because Satan chose the color. He specifically chose a color that stands out from all other foods to clearly mark that this food is his.
Fact 2.) The smell of a pickle is proof of supernatural meddling.
Have you ever smelled one of these things? Oh sure, people will say it’s due to the vinegar. No it’s not. It’s due to Satan’s powers of evil that cause that stench. That stench isn’t due to vinegar. No pickle smells like vinegar and oil salad dressing. No pickle smells like Malt vinegar. Heck, no pickle has the raunchy smell of straight up vinegar. Nay, the pickle has some other smell based on the raunchy vinegar we are accustomed to but with an undeniable hint of pure evil.
Fact 3.) The taste of a pickle is proof of supernatural meddling.
Now, I have to admit that I am generally unqualified to make a strong statement about the taste of the pickle as I have rarely had the disgust of having one of these Satanic “treats” in my mouth. All I know is that when some dumbass at Chic-Fil-A forgets to grab the “No pickle” sandwich and hands me the pickle sandwich on accident and on even bigger accident I bite into it and I get a full on flavor-blast of evil-incarnate…
So at Chic-Fil-A I know to look for the sticker on the wrapper that says “no pickle”. Whenever I bite into a burger, I tear it apart looking for pickles. I always, always, always order my meal sans pickle. However, due to the meticulous workings of Satan and his minions, he has used his whily trickeration on the food services industry and made the pickle an almost de facto and de rigeur addition to a served plate of food.
So it is at this time, fellow Satan-haters, that we must stand on high and denounce this work of the pure evil.
Realize that you have been brainwashed into thinking that the pickle is “good” and “OK to eat”. It is purely the Dark Lord at work. You now know how easy it is to be manipulated by dark forces beyond your understanding. You can think me for exposing this for you.
If you have been an ardent pickle-eater, I recommend you go home and pray for salvation of your soul lest you end up looking like this guy, a lifelong pickle eater whose soul is almost entirely Satan’s at this point:
Let me leave you with the sage wisdom found at this website:
Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.
Amazingly, the “thinking man” has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, “in a pickle.” Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.
Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:
- 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
- 100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
- 96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
- 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
- 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.
Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans’ per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds.
Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.
FlavaDave Says: Chris Columbus (the explorer, not the director) was very thankful for pickles. He brought crates full of pickles with him on his voyage to discover America (or India or whatever he was actually going for). Know why? Because pickled vegetables were the only sustenance sailors could eat without any risk of catching scurvy. In fact, all sea-fairing explorers used pickles to feed their crew.
I know what you are thinking. Wait, Columbus didn’t discover America, Amerigo Vespucci did! I see you payed attention in fifth grade US History. But you might not have listened close enough, because if you did, you would know that Amerigo was by trade a pickle merchant.
So you see, to hate pickles is to hate America. Do you hate America, Flinch? Do you?
FlavaEDIT: Whoa, hold up a second.
Soon after I posted my half-assed defense of pickles, I decided to check our young blog’s stats. And what I found out will shock, stun, and convince any remaining pickle worshipers to repent.
As soon as I blasphemed against God by professing my love of pickles, we recorded our 666th hit.
Hold me, Flinch.
Flinchbot Says: No need to hold you. Just pray for your soul, pickle eater!
Also, Amerigo Vespucci did not discover America. Leif Erickson did. Well, he discovered Canada, which is North America, which is close enough. (The Congress of the United States of America, by joint resolution (Public Law 88-566) approved on September 2, 1964, authorized and requested the President to proclaim October 9 of each year as “Leif Erikson Day”.)
Leif Erickson is not a known pickle-eater. He was also a Christian. He was a mighty fine man, that Erickson.
Also, this pickle-bashing would not be complete with linking to this video. Why do they try to force her to eat pickles? This woman is alright in my book. She’s a hero and should be honored, not cast on stage for the amusement of the ignorant pickle eaters.