Which Smells More: Terre Haute or The State of New Jersey?

May 1, 2007

Flinchbot is in New Jersey for some work bullshit, so ‘F versus F’ will be a little slow this week. Taking advantage of the situation, we decided to have a Jersey-themed discussion.

Terre Haute native Scatman Crothers

I personally wanted to do a “Top 5 Hottest New Jersey Natives” list, but Flinch vetoed it because……………….I’m really not sure why. Flinch just took sexy back again.

So, we turn our attention to the least sexy subject of them all: garbage. Jersey is famous for it, Terre Haute smells like it. So which smells worse: Terre Haute, Indiana or the entire state of New Jersey?

Bonus Links:Two classic Terre Haute-related Onion articles:Garage Band Actually Believes There Is A ‘Terre Haute Sound’

Zombie Corpse Of Scatman Crothers Speaks Out Against Telemarketing Scams

Flinchbot Says: I’ve been to New Jersey a few times now. The most memorable was Atlantic City in roughly 1997 when I had my worst hangover ever. I stayed in the hotel room almost all damn day, curtains closed, headache pounding…good times.

Natalie Portman, who was in a movie about New Jersey or something.

This time I’m staying in Cherry Hill, a 15 minute ride away from Philadelphia. And much like my stay in Atlantic City, I can’t say New Jersey smells. For God’s sakes, the state is called “The Garden State”. And when you think of gardens, you naturally think of Garden of Eden beauty. And how can you associate Garden of Eden beauty with stink?

Sure, Jersey has it’s less than wonderful parts but I’ve honestly never seen them. A guy here just mentioned that if we stay on the highway another few extis that we would become one with Jersey junk. But you see, Jersey is willing to hid their craptacular parts away from the common visitor and occasional long distance

Terre Haute, on the other hand, does not care what parts of that fine town you visit. Nay, they legend of the Terre Haute Smell speaks volumes for itself. Since i’ve never smelled anything nasty in New Jersey, Terre Haute must clearly be the stinkiest place in America.

FlavaDave Says: Let’s take a look at two fictitious guys. One guy is a clean-cut businessman. He shaves every day and gets his haircut once a week. A crisp shirt and a new pair of underwear are staples of his daily clothing ensemble. He has never had dandruff, and he typically smells like a true Stetson man.

The other guy is a sandwich artist at Jimmy John’s. He has cut his hair about 10 times in his entire life and considers showers a luxury if and when he happens to wake up a little early. He has worn the same pair of jeans for 10 days straight and doesn’t even own more than two pairs of underwear. He ran five miles this morning and didn’t even do so much as wipe on a new coat of deodorant before leaving the house.

So which one smells worse? Obviously the second guy.

But wait! I forgot to tell you that the first guy downs two Beef & Bean Supreme Burritos and a Nacho Bell Grande for lunch each day, followed by a steak wrapped in bacon and some broccoli & cheese for dinner.

Any given part of the second guy will smell worse than the first guy. But, sweet Jesus, the buttcrack of the first guy will peel the paint off a motorcycle.

So while Terre Haute smells pretty bad all over, I ask you this:

Could the smell emanating from Terre Haute ever shut down Manhattan?

Flinchbot Says: Hahaha. I forgot about that Manhattan smell thing. Typical New Jersey.

So it really raises the following question: Would you rather have a very infrequent uber-smell (New Jersey) or a constant smell of funk. I’d take the New Jersey smell because 1.) it happens rarely and 2.) it affected Manhattan way more than New Jersey.

So I pick New Jersey since the smell really ends up outside the state borders. New jersey is the Acid Rain of smell.