About ‘F versus F’

Oh great, another blog about the stupid crap people do in their daily lives, right? Nope, not this one.

F versus F is a partnership between two friends who love to argue. Each day, Flinchbot will battle FlavaDave in a battle of wits. That’s the reason behind the name. ‘FlavaDave Versus Flinchbot’ doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, so we are just calling it F vs F. Might be news, might be sports, music, politics, what was the greatest Saturday morning TV show of the 1980’s or who is the greatest Jewish professional athlete, whatever. We each take a side (no matter how absurd) and we argue it. That’s the deal.

Sort of like a pop-culture PTI.

So check it out, leave some comments, and spread the word. We are starting from scratch, so if you’ll scratch our backs, we might find ourselves yelling about whose back you scratched harder.

In this Blog, Flinchbot will battle Flava Dave in a battle of wits. That’s the reason behind the name. Flinchbot versus Flava Dave was too long so we are just calling it F vs F. Just remember, Flinchbot always comes first (sexually).

Says FlavaDave: This blog is in English, right? What kind of fucked up dictionary has “I” clocking in before “A”? I can’t wait until Bush makes English our official language.

Oh wait, I just got confirmation from a real life Spanish teacher that “A” comes before “I” in the Spanish dictionary, too. Even the Mexicans got my back on this one.

Flinchbot Says: The first F is clearly for Flinchbot because I am older, wiser, and more mature. Ergo, I have leadership skills. Leaders go up front and young upstart punks like you are followers. So it’s clear that it should be called Flinchbot vs. FlavaDave.

FlavaDave Says: If you were a real leader like President Bush, you would send young, upstart punks like me up to the frontlines to fight your wars for you. FlavaDave should go first. It’s in your own best interest.

Flinchbot Says: Frontline punks are G.I’s, with no rank. If you are comparing me to the President, that makes me the Commander In Chief and not only does my name go first, I further expect you to salute me when I walk past. And clean my bathroom with your toothbrush. And hand wash my Borat-style bikini underwear.

FlavaDave Says: I’m not comparing you to an American President. I’m comparing you to George W. Bush. And your blatant manipulation of the truth certainly rivals his. Saddam did not help plan 9/11, Iraq never sought yellowcake from Africa, and “A” still comes before “I” in the alphabet. Bush was crafty enough to out Valerie Plame in revenge.

Sadly, I’m not married to a CIA operative. But you just got bitch-slapped by a chick named Merriam Webster.

Flinchbot Says: See, that exact last post of yours shows why you are a second rate philosopher and, as such, you are teh second F in F versus F. Where did the dictionary come from? Why would I get bitch slapped by a dictionary? Did I use a word incorrectly? Or are you trying to use the dictionary to support your mastery of the alphabet? If so, then you need to know that it’s Merriam-Webster, not Merriam Webster. Merriam-Webster is a combination of the names Noah Webster and brothers George and Charles Merriam. I’ll let Wikipedia explain the rest.

So now who exactly is getting bitch-slapped by Messrs. Merriam-Webster? You are. And that makes you a second rate analyst and your feeble attempts are reflective of why the first F is for Flinchbot. Feel free to use the alphabet as your sole reason for being first but not until you figure out how the dictionary, the alphabet, and books all work together.

FlavaDave Says: It’s not a good idea to grammatically analyse a joke (which clearly went over your head) with a post riddled with grammatical errors (including the dreaded “teh”). But since you asked, the reason I used the dictionary as a reference is that the dictionary is in alphabetical order.

Now I would mention my roguish good looks, my full head of flowing hair, and superior style of dress as a reason to be first. But clearly your love of soccer makes you a second class citizen in both the real world (aka ‘America’) and in the blogosphere.

Flinchbot says: Oh, you want to bring physical appearance into this? You want part of this superhuman 6’7″ build? You know what that mean right? I have a physiologically bigger brain. It means I have more neurons that can store more knowledge. Knowledge is power. Therefore, I am more powerful than you and as such, I am the first F in F vs. F.

FlavaDave Says: Actually, knowing is only half the battle. The other half is ass-kicking. And since I could easily whip your ass at any major sport, FlavaDave rightfully should be first.

Flinchbot Says: Oh pray tell: Doth thee throw down a gauntlet? Let me put it this way: Before my knee surgery ended my sports career, you would have been wiped out in basketball (I could probably take you in HORSE if you’re up for it). I’m not bad at tennis (At least I wasn’t 10 years ago when I could run). A few years ago I was on the verge of getting really good at bowling. But you could take me in any baseball challenge as I’ve never swung at a baseball in my life. I suck at Golf. You win there.

But what really ends this whole discussion is Katherine’s comment below. She is pro-soccer as am I. Note that she said that this would become “F/K vs F” clearly, unambiguously, and without a doubt indicating that “the people” think it should be Flinchbot vs. Flavadave.

Now go fetch me a Fresca and shine my shoes, boy.

FlavaDave Says: Listen to Uncle Ricco over here living in the past. Do you have a sweet tape of you juking around in your backyard throwing footballs to no one?

I admit, ten years ago you could probably beat me in basketball. But that’s because I was 12 years old.

This is two double oh seven, baby. ‘F versus F‘ wasn’t created 10 years ago, it was created 5 days ago. And this is as true now as it was 5 days ago:

I own your ass like Heston owns magnums.

Now go get your fucking shinebox.

Flinchbot Says: Ah the tell tale signs of youth: innocence, curiosity, and dumb-assedness. If it weren’t for my knee, I’d take you out right now in any number of sports. But if you’re trying to take this discussion down to some corny battle of machismo, then you’ve already conceded the battle of wits to me.

And since this whole thing is about the written word and not physical activity then you’ve pretty much admitted defeat. Therefore, the first F is clearly for Flinchbot. And that’s definitely conceivable!

FlavaDave Says: Quote:

“If it weren’t for my knee, I’d take you out right now in any number of sports.”

And if it weren’t for my dick, I would have a vagina.

You are the one who brought your powerful 6’7″ frame into the equation. You are like a Hummer H2: the size of a rhino and the power of a ladybug.

It isn’t very witty to make excuses while rejecting the premise of my response just because you couldn’t back up your own bullshit.

Can you dig it?

Flinchbot says: +42 for referencing The Warriors, -1,437 for trying to lower me to your level. Instead of saying why you should be the first F, you instead spend time babbling about Hummers and vagina’s.

That you can’t come up with a new reason as to why you should be the first F is a sign of weakness, a sign that you are cracking, a sign that I am the first F pretty much by default.

Meanwhile, I am the first F if for no other reason than you should be showing immense gratitiude for the patio table and chairs I gave you and the super discount you got on the gas grill I sold you for a sandwich and a few shos of Jaeger. I’m kind and generous. Kind and generous people should be rewarded. Ergo, first F for me.

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5 Responses to About ‘F versus F’

  1. dirk digler says:

    you guys are lame. so lame.

    :^>

  2. Chessa Rae says:

    Whose leg do I gotta hump to get a new F vs. F around here?

  3. flinchbot says:

    Dear Chessa Rae,

    Mine.

    Sincerely,

    Flinchbot.

  4. eli says:

    do i know you guys? andyman (brennan) has you in his blogroll, and after reading this hilarious “about” page i get the impression that our humors might be friends. what say you?

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