There have been a ton of bad movies made. Really, 90% of the movies suck. Badly.
So with all of the crap movies I’ve seen, there is one that just makes me throw up in my mouth a lot more than any other film:
That move blows chow in ten different ways. It blows so much that Wind Turbines are put up outside each theatre to help power 30,000 area homes.
That movie sucks so much that the Electrolux corporation is considering a patent infringement lawsuit.
That move is so bad that other bad movies say to each other “Damn, that movie is bad!”.
That movie is so retarded that it makes the Special Olympics look like the height of human athletic achievement.
That movie is so stupid that one time it tripped over a cordless phone.
That movie is so dumb that mute’s are offended by what it has to say.
Anyway – Flava: it’s up to you to prove to me that not only is Dirty Dancing NOT the worst movie ever but that there is clearly a worse movie out there that deserves to be awarded with the coveted F vs F Suck Ass Movie of All Time award.
The floor is now yours.
90% of movies suck? Bah humbug, Flinch. I know you’re old, but I didn’t know you had become curmudgeonly so quickly. Shake your fist at Blockbuster! SHAKE IT!!!As for your All-Time Suck Ass Movie pick, I’m not feeling ya. Does ‘Dirty Dancing’ suck? Yeah, it does suck.It sucks like a fox.Consider these moments that, although I’ve never seen the movie in its entirety, I can pull off the top of my head:
- “No one puts Baby in a corner”
- The “I’m a maniac, maaaaaaaniac” scene
- The backalley abortion
Were these scenes actually good? Hell no. Were they supposed to be funny? Nope. But were they hilarious? Yes. And that, my friends, is what we in the ‘snarky blogger’ world like to call ‘Unintentional Comedy’.
You see, no movie that is unintentionally funny can be the ‘suck ass movie of all time’, because in the end it’s still funny. Even though the movie works on a completely different level than they were shooting for, it still works to a degree. Hell, I paid money for ‘Plan 9‘.
Do these kind of movies still suck? Yes. But they can’t be the worst of all time.
Here are the rules:
- Shouldn’t be a drama, because bad dramas are almost always funny
- Shouldn’t be an action movie, because explosions are always a little bit cool
- Shouldn’t have any bloody murders/deaths, because there’s always a cheap thrill in that
- Shouldn’t have anything laughably bad at all
This narrows the field down to two types of contenders: boring art films and romantic comedies.
I’ll share my pick after the jump (and after lunch).
Okay, I’m full of sushi and ready to unload some cinematic science up in here. My first instinct for the F vs F Suck Ass Movie of All Time
was ‘The Blair Witch
Project’. So, so boring. No awesome murders or explosions, and no hilariously bad acting. ( Yes, the acting was terrible, but not in a “weird, overactive nerdy kid putting his heart into a school play” kinda way, but in a “semi-competent but ultimately uninspiring normal kid in a school play” sort of way.) But the really tight, up-the-snotty-nose confessional shot is a comedy classic, and the very last scene is kinda cool. So it’s not the worst. I also have high hopes for ‘2001: A Space Travesty
, but I’ve never actually seen it. (That’s the other flaw with this debate; I’ve seen a healthy percentage of the great movies, but I haven’t seen but a fraction of the awful ones).For some reason, a particular movie has been showing up on TV alot recently. The movie is so bland, that I can’t even tell you what channel it was on (I’m thinking Comedy Central or HBO). I’ve left it on while using my laptop, and hours will go by without a single thing catching my attention. The acting is indistinguishable, the direction is thoughtless, and the jokes are punchless. The plot is so standard that I can’t even remember why the events are occurring.And that’s it. That’s all I can possibly think to say about this movie.What movie, you ask? Well, I had to IMDB the title, but apparently its:
According to an IMBD user, the plot is this:
Ryan is a womanizing stockbroker whose unethical business practices cost him his job and his trader’s license. Unable to find another job, he is forced to move in with his equally self-involved (and completely oblivious) girlfriend, Cindy, an insensitive advice columnist on the cusp of losing her own job due to her poor advice and slow work habits. Ryan decides to stay in the apartment and earn a living by doing Cindy’s job. Initially as hopelessly inept as Cindy in giving advice, he nearly gets the column canceled. However, he rapidly grows into the job………………….
Blah blah blah, you get the idea.
And that’s it. That’s all I have to say about the movie. I’ve seen all of it, and
- I forget how it ends
- I can’t remember a single joke
- I was only 65% sure Angie Harmon was in it, even though she is a lead character
This movie went straight to video (big shock). The real clincher is that the user rating of this movie isn’t that bad (it is a 6.0). Accounting for typical internet poll inflation, that is a solid 5. Right in the middle.
You see, actual movie quality is not on a 0-10 scale. It is a ’10-to-negative 10′ scale. But the dirty little secret of Hollywood is that extraordinary suckage still counts as entertainment.
‘Good Advice’ is absolute zero on that scale. And that makes it the F vs F Suck Ass Movie of All Time.
While it’s true that almost all bad drama’s are funny (See the TV show 24
for proof), it takes an all time crap ass movie to break that theorem. Not only is Dirty Dancing not funny, it’s not even remotely funny. There is no campiness. Certainly, there is cheese. The state-of-Wisconsin-amounts of cheese. But none of it is good cheese. It is all rotten, horrible, stinky cheese.
I mean c’mon. The line everyone knows from that movie is “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”
1.) I’ll put that bitch in the corner pronto, complete with my boot straight to her chin, a la Jennifer Gray’s kick to Principal Rooney’s noggin in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
2.) What the hell does that exactly mean? Putting someone in the corner? Did anyone ever really say that? Who says that? Who said that? I’m confused.
As you pointed out, the soundtrack also blew donkey dicks. The big hit single on that was by the musical powerhouse of Jennifer Warnes and Bill Medley. Hey Bill, sing me a fucking Medley of all your solo hits. You can’t.
I have to correct you. The “I’m a Maniac” song is by Michael Sembello from the movie Flashdance. Two things here.
1.) I knew it was from Michael Sembello off the type of my head so you better start worshipping my freaking 80’s one hit wonder awesomeness.
2.) That further adds to how much Dirty Dancing blew because you can’t even remember what freaking songs were on the best-selling soundtrack.
How about “Hungry Eyes” by blowhard Eric Carmen. Yeah, that song didn’t suck. Not! The soundtrack’s only redeeming value is “Be My Baby” by the Ronettes. Not even hip-80’s-band-for-28-seconds The Blow Monkeys could place their one moderately useful song on that soundtrack. (For reference, the song was “Digging Your Scene”. Bow lower before my 80’s Awesomeness – I didn’t have to Google that one either.)
The movie Good Advice isn’t even close to most suck ass movie of all time, even though it does feature some of the most suck ass actors of all time. Charlie Sheen – If you aint’ playing a rebel cowboy (see Young Guns) then stay off my movie screen. As for Denise Richards, I’d like to ask you one question:
If she can spell that correctly on the first try without stopping twice and looking up to the sky as if the word were written in the clouds, I’ll give her a hot dog.
The reason why Good Advice doesn’t qualify as worst ever movie is that, even though it no doubt sucks, it does have this candy to look at:
And even though I think I lose IQ points every time she opens her mouth you can’t help but thinking that she does have a great body and a certain “come hither” look.
“And let’s not forget Angie Harmon:
Meanwhile, Dirty Dancing had this:
I mean holy hell – not even the camera wanted to be focused for this shot. At least Jennifer Grey knew she had no chance of looking hot. So she finally got some plastic surgery done and now looks at least decent.
And we can compare Charlie Sheen to Patrick Swayze. Look, Charlie Sheen is a terrible actor, but at least he has a fetish for high priced hookers and partying like it’s 1999. In this world of digging up dirt and paparazzi and all that, at least his personal life is entertaining.
What has Patrick Swayze done? Other than being a terrible actor? I mean golly, he sang “She’s Like the Wind” on the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack. He’s been married to the same woman since 1975, so that’s honorable.
In all possible ways, Dirty Dancing is the epitome of terrible. Good Advice most certainly sucks, but there are wonderful nuggets of entertainment in there. Or at least, Denise Richards and Angie Harmon are eye candy and from my primal male point of view, that alone keeps the movie from suckage.
FlavaDave Says: What has Swayze done? WHAT HAS SWAYZE DONE???
This is how I knock that crazy question out of the park like Jack Crews:
The fact that I even need to explain this to you proves that you have a fundamental inability to grasp the glory of the cheese. You can’t smell the difference between the Limburgers, the French Bries, or the plain ‘ol Kraft cheeses of the cinematic world. It’s all the same to you, so you just look at DVD cases and go with whichever one gives you the smallest boner.
Well Flinch, there’s more to life than boners my friend. And for your lack of cheese comprehension, you are (for the sake of this conversation) impotent.
Flinchbot Says: While it’s true that I should be boxed around the ears for forgetting that Swayze was in Donnie Darko, we must remember that he was a supporting actor in that movie, and not the star.
In Dirty Dancing, he was most assuredly one of the two stars. And that cracker can not carry a movie.
I mean holy mackerel – His starring roles are Dirty Dancing, Point Break, and whatever Black Dog was. This doesn’t exactly put him in the realm of, oh, Brando with Streetcar Named Desire, The Godfathers, and On the Waterfront. And if you choose to counter that no one can match Marlon Brando and that it’s an unfair comparison, then I’ll use Charlie Sheen.
Given the choice of having to watch Dirty Dancing, Point Break, and Black Dog (WTF?) or Young Guns, Good Advice, and Hot Shots! Part Deux…that’s a no brainer. Gimme the Charlie Sheen Movie Marathon any day of the week, double-triple because it also includes Being John Malkovich. And Major League.
Clearly, taking his whole body of work as one, Charlie Sheen has done much better movies than Patrick Swayze. Remove Dirty Dancing from Swayze’s resumee, and his movies still suck balls (except for Donnie Darko).
So, since Patrick Swayze is about one of the worst actors going, isn’t it becoming more and more clear that the unending suckitude of Dirty Dancing ends up not having an end. It’s an endless amount of suck.
It is the black hole of suck.
Once Stephen Hawking fully figures out black holes, he can then point his efforts at addressing the suck all vortex of doom known as Dirty Dancing. However, I fear that it is this immutable challenge that will kill him well before his ALS gets the better of him.
Oh, and I’ll take a Denise Richards film festival over that of Jennifer Grey. Sure, J-Grey did Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. But the mindless Denise Richards was a Bond Girl, and that about trumps all.
FlavaDave Says: For your sake, I’ll give you a mulligan and pretend that you didn’t just say that Richard’s Bond movie was better than ‘Ferris Bueller’.
I also don’t know quite how this got twisted into a Sheen vs. Swayze debate, but as Steve alluded to in the comments section, I’m holding the trump card in that sub-argument:
It is the Citizen Kane of cheese. If the real ‘Kane’ is the Alpha, ‘Road House’ is the Omega of the negative side on the “10-to-negative 10” movie scale.
Do you deny the truth of the cheese scale, Mike? Or can you not appriciate delicious Fromage when you see it?
Flinchbot Says: It turned into Sheen vs. Swayze when you were unable to repudiate the fact that Dirty Dancing is not only more sucktacular than Good Advice, but that it is also the most suck movie of all time.
And because that movie sucks at record levels, it’s tainted the entire career of Patrick Swayze with such a stench of failure that not even a guest appearance in the fantabubrilliant Donnie Darko can clear the smell off his filmography.
Now, my friends and family in Germany have a fond spot for Road House for two reasons (I’m big on giving two reasons, aren’t I?):
1.) They appreciate American Cheese as much as anyone
2.) The local preferred brew of theirs is by a brewery called Rothaus. Now, we English speakers would pronounce that “rot house” as in “That animal carcass is rotting”. However, in German the “rot” is pronounced very close to the way we pronounce the word “road”. As such, they essentially claim the movie Road House is even more bad ass than usual because it shares the name with their favorite beer.
Or something like that.
Now for the sake of full disclosure, I have never seen the movie Road House. I have been told by numerous people that “it’s better than you think it would be”. And it better be. For the one worse actor than Patrick Swayze is Keanu Reeves.
The directors of The Matrix trilogy tried really hard to hide Keanu’s flat as a flour-burrito acting “skills” but really, they screwed the pooch by even casting him as Neo. So that a no talent ass clown like Keanu is also in the movie seriously makes me wonder if Road House is not in fact a worse movie than Dirty Dancing.
But as I have not seen Road House, I can not make that claim. Further, it is absolutely impossible to make a worse movie than Dirty Dancing, so Road House can be no worse than the second worst movie of all time.
Also, considering the testimonials of Flave Dave, my cousin and friends in Germany, and our first commentor Steve, I’d have to say that Road House is at worst tolerable, at most a joyous celebration of fromage.
So even if I were to give Road House it’s proper due and consider it a good movie that Swayze has been in, he has still done many, many fewer good movies than Charlie Sheen.
Good movies by Patrick Swayze:
Good movies by Charlie Sheen:
Being John Malkovich
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Eight Men Out
There, that’s 10 movies with Charlie Sheen that I would watch and enjoy. That’s five for your boy Swayze.
So it’s clear, even with Road House and Donnie Darko, Charlie Sheen is twice the actor that Patrick Swayze is. Or something.
And since Patrick Swayze is half the actor that a blowhard like Charlie Sheen is, that is more proof that Dirty Dancing is the worst movie ever. EVAR!
FlavaDave Says: So I got the analogies thing, and you got the ‘two reasons’ thing, huh?
Well, I’ll give two reasons why your Swayze-hating, Road-House-with-Point-Break-confusing, Mrs. Seahorn-boner-growing ass lost this debate to Flava:
“Calling Flinch the winner is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don’t belong.”