Lilly Allen vs. Paris Hilton

January 21, 2008

Lilly and ParisSo Flava Dave and I were out drinking the other night and, invariably, a heated debate sprang up. No one knows exactly how these things happen, but one of us makes a bold statement and the other responds that the statement-maker is an idiot.

So the bold statement I made – I think I made the statement, but the fog of beer clouds some of the arguments details – was that I would much rather hear Paris Hilton’s album “Paris” than Lilly Allen’s “Alright, Still” album. As if it weren’t bad enough that we were discussing the music of pop tarts, we both had deep deated opinions about each pop tart.

Which leads us to this debate: Who would you rather listen to, Paris Hilton or Lilly Allen? Discuss.

Flinchbot Says: I have to go with Ms. Hilton here. (And yes, I’ve listened to both albums several times). Maybe it’s that the “Paris” album has the bigger booming beats. Perhaps I like it more because the beats are more banging. Or maybe it’s because Paris Hilton’s personal life is a legitimate mess while Lilly Allen is just a whiney kid who says things to be sardonic.Look, Paris has done a sex tape, mounds of coke, jail time…lord knows what. So when she puts out an album of pop silliness you can at least feel that there may be something she is trying to get off her chest (Other than Rick Salomon’s spooge). This album isn’t the work of some bratty kid. It’s the album of someone who, for better or worse, has actually done the things that Lilly Allen secretly wishes she could do but she’s not bad ass enough to do it.

And the music reflects this opinion of mine. Lilly Allen’s album is reggae-lite, the kind of reggae that UB40 pawned off on a far-too easily impressed musical landscape. You listen to the weak reggae and ska lilts throughout the album and if you’re not bored yet by song 5 then you either aren’t paying attention or you are a sucker for reggae-lite. Meanwhile, Paris also mined the caribbean vibe for her album (at least on lead single “Stars Are Blind”) but also pumped up the dance floor beats an extra notch or 6. Pumping up the beats doesn’t inherently make the music better but it makes the album better for what it is: A throwaway summer pop record to be played on sunny days while cruising down the highway with the windows rolled down. You just have to have the beats and this album fits that need neatly.

The other night I ended at a bar that was offering Karaoke. Some chick got up and limped through a tepid version of “Stars Are Blind”. Who knew you could karaoke Paris?

Kate NashWhile Lilly Allen’s album certainly has it’s moments (and it’s worst songs are better than Paris’ worst songs) it’s a tad boring on the whole. Listening to the whole thing sure takes concentration. Listening to Paris’ album all the way through is a tad easier, because when I get bored with it, I can always imagine her naked – not that much imagination is needed there.

So anyway, I’d much rather listen to Paris over Lilly Allen. Except right now, I really want to hear that Kate Nash album. It shouldn’t take much to be better then either Paris or Lilly.

FlavaDave Says: Okay, a few things before I start:1) Welcome back. It has been awhile.

2) Do you realize that we are getting over 1,500 hits a week? Who is reading our blog? If you are out there, leave a comment or something.

As for the subject at hand, this is impossible for me to argue. Again, I offer two reasons:

1) I have absolutely nothing interesting to say about Paris Hilton. Zero.

2) I’ve never heard Paris Hilton’s music.

So I can hear the retort already: How can I criticize something I am ignorant of? And you know what, hypothetical retort? You’re right. I can’t.

But I would like to remind everyone of something: We are not discussing who is the better artist. We are discussing who we would rather listen to.

And in light of this fact, the answer is Lilly Allen. But really, it could be anybody.

Even with the most vapid musical artists, curiosity is part of the equation. I wonder what Timberlake is like in real life? I wonder what Kelly Clarkson looks like naked (glorious, I suspect)? Is Mariah Carey batshit insane?

But I have no interest in Paris Hilton. How could anybody? Without trying, I know her name, where she’s from, what she does both professionally and for recreation, who her friends are, likes and dislikes, etc. I never wanted to know, but I do by cultural osmosis. I’ve even seen her naked and having sex. So what could I possibly want to know about her?

So Lilly Allen wins by “de-fault! de-fault! de-fault!” because I at least want to nail her (and therefore have, at minimum, an inkling of interest in her music, in case I meet her).

But I’ll spend a paragraph defending her music because it is actually really good.

The sound is superb. Future mega-producer Mark Ronson really is on his game with this one. Calling it “reggae-lite” is erroneous. While two of her singles (“Smile” and “LDN”) are reggae influenced, the sound of the album is a bit broader. “Knock-Em Out” has a piano sample that sounds like the ending to the “Blossom” theme song; “Take What You Take” sounds like sugar-pop U2; and the album’s best song, “Everything’s Just Wonderful”, sounds like glossed-up 60’s pop (the kind of thing Austin Powers might dress up in crushed velvet to go-go dance to). The lyrics, while not ground breaking or deep, are at least witty. Lyrically topics like her lament for her loser brother (who sure sounds like a lot of guys I know) and being pissed because her bad credit blocks her from apartments she could easily afford are slightly outside the typical pop playbook. Combining the fun hooks with unconventional lyrical topics and smart production, and you get an excellent excuse for music snobs like me to indulge in some pop candy.

Oh, and because I work in a record store, just like “Lilly vs. Paris” I win by default.

Is it ever OK to drink cheap beer?

June 29, 2007

Beer MugAh yes, beer. What a wonderful drink. It can range from a simple thirst quencher to a complex taste explosion. It can be dark, clear, sweet, bitter, and most everything in between.

Within the world of beer, there are generally two classes: beer that is lovingly crafted using only the finest ingredients where flavor is every bit as important as profits, and beer that is lovingly crafted in order to maximize profits with little or no regard to taste.

In the latter category, there are the big three of American beer: Miller, Budweiser, and Coors. These three sell more beer to Americans than all other beer produced in America combined. By a lot. In 2001, those three accounted for 88% of the beer sold in America.

The low price attracts consumers interested in having a swill of beer.

Meanwhile, the 12% of non-Big Three brewers continue to battle by using such arcane concepts as flavor and positive aftertaste.

Seeing as life is short and beer can be oh so good, is there ever a reason when one should drink cheap beer?

FlavaDave Says: There’s an old joke that goes something like this:

“Lawyers are the opposite of sex. Even when they are good, they’re lousy.”

Well, I submit that beer is analogous to sex. Obviously there are many differences, but they share one quality: Even when it isn’t that great, hey, its beer!

Did I come to this party to taste a liquid sensation? Did I come to this venue to stare at an overly elaborate bottle label? Did I come to this club to look refined holding an import?

No! I came to this party to hang out with my friends, I went to this venue to hear some rock’n’roll, and I came to this club to do some shitty dancing to some shitty music.

Now, will I order some quality beer in these circumstances? Hell yeah, if I can get away with it. But you can’t sometimes. I can’t control what beer is at a party. Yeah, I can bring some. But what if I kill my sixer at one party before walking to another? What if some a-hole steals my supply when I am away from the fridge? What am I gonna do, leave?

No, I’m not. But I believe that you would.

A little full disclosure: This blog post started because Flinch wouldn’t go to a party because there would be a Miller Lite keg. His rationale was this:

“Life is too short to drink cheap beer.”

An admirable position, I must say. But it misses the point. You missed a great party. We swapped some stories, got hassled by cops, pitched hypothetical movie scripts to each other……… was a quality time. And you missed it.

So Flinch, I submit this to you:

“Life is too short to be a beer snob.”

Hey, I love good beer. In my fridge right now, you will find some Stella Artois and a case of Newcastle. If I go to Old Pro’s Table or the Wellington, I’ll drink nothing but Guinness. But you know what? I also have half a sixer of PBR tallboys. Why? Because my roommate’s Dad came over and he is an import-phobe. So we shared a PBR with him as we grilled some burgers.

What am I gonna do, leave him stranded and feeling weird as we fawn over some random German thing as he sits to the side with Milwaukee’s finest (Not Milwaukee’s Best, mind you)? No. We joined him in the spirit of brotherhood and cracked our tallboys in unison.

19 out of 20 times, I do everything I can to secure a tasty beer for myself. And it is worth it every time. If the option is there, you gotta go for it. But what if you don’t have a choice? Its rare, but its there. And if it comes down to a choice between having fun with cheap beer and being lame with nothing…………

I’m sorry man. I pick fun.

Flinchbot Says: So your argument boils down to “I must drink to have fun”? Well, I have a very simple counter: Drinking bad beer ruins any fun I could possibly have. That stuff is horrible. Always has been, always will. Nothing ruins a party for me more than being told “dude it’s totally gonna kick ass, it’ll be the best party ever!” and I show up and there’s a keg of Natural Light. There had best be some gin or Jaegermeister in the cupboard otherwise it’s soda night for me.

I pretty much went sober through college because I couldn’t afford the beer I wanted and refused to drink the beer that was available to me. I still think I had a blast at college and went to bars and parties all the time.

Now that I can afford real beer I have absolutely no reason to ever drink crap beer again. I mean really – I don’t need alcohol to survive. I’m no alcoholic. I’ll choose not to drink well before I’ll choose to force down junk beer.

Spaten OptimatorFor example – two years ago we had a company outing to the Indianapolis Indians baseball game. All expense paid, including beer. Knowing that we were going to post-party, I decided in the 6th inning to get off my high horse and have a macro-brew. I opted for a Miller Genuine Draft. I had to throw half of it away. After three swigs of that garbage I couldn’t bring myself to drink any more of it. We ended up at the Rathskellar that night and I got my jiggy on with Spaten Optimator. Now there’s a freaking beer!

The last time I had junk beer was on Halloween. After I disposed of whatever it was I was drinking that night I began the cool down section of the evening, knowing I was going to be driving shortly. At some point, I got coerced to play beer pong and we were playing with junk beer. Like a trooper, I drank my Dixie cup of junk when it was my turn. However, St. Arnold was smiling on me that night. My partner was very much blitzed and was doing a horrible job of playing beer pong so we hit on a strategy: I play the ball, he drinks the beer. Brilliant! I got to stop drinking that horrid beverage and our team rallied back and almost won. We still lost but what do I care. I got out of drinking junk and had a bit of fun in the process.

YakI hold my beer in high regard. To me there are two clear classes of beer. In class 1 is beer the way God and St. Arnold intended: Caringly crafted by fresh ingredients meant to satisfy the palate. In class 2 is beer created by factories whose sole focus is to drive up profits and minimize expense regardless of the products quality. I refuse to drink beer in class 2 not because I abhore the free market and profit motives (on the contrary – I’m an avid free market advocate). I refuse to drink that beer because their end product tastes like what I imagine the sweat of Yak balls must taste like, only less salty.

Pilsner UrquellAnd not every beer in Class 1 is a testament to brewing genius (Hello Heineken, Fischer la Belle, and Red Stripe). But beers made with even a token concern for flavor are in almost all cases drinkable and even the poorest can be vaguely enjoyable. I can categorically deny any enjoyment of Class 2 beers. There isn’t even one of their neo-microbrew spawns that I find enjoyable (e.g. JW Dundee, Michelob). The major American macro brews do distribute the occasional good beer (Miller imports Pilsner Urquell) but they sure as hell didn’t come up with that recipe on their own.

I’m starting to ramble here. The main point is that beer does not make an event fun. Good beer makes a party fun. Offer me a bad beer at a party and….Hey got any gin?

So no, there is never a time to drink cheap beer.

Even if you’re stuck in the desert and that’s all you’ve got.

FlavaDave Says: How do you feel specifically about PBR, Flinch?  I’ve always been of the mind that PBR doesn’t count as a cheap beer.  Too awesome.

Also, what if someone bought you a cheap beer without asking your preference?  Would you risk offending them and turn it down?

Meister BrauFlinchbot Says: I don’t think I’ve ever had a PBR for the same reason that I’ve never had a Meisterbrau: You just know the beer is going to suck. I have heard from numerous people that “really…PBR aint’ bad at all”. I have all the confidence that it is not bad at all, but I have more confidence in the converse argument that “PBR isn’t that good at all.” Next time we’re at the Melody Inn, buy a PBR and I’ll try it. all open minded-like. I remember as a kid that my mom bought the hell out of PBR.  So I always thought it must be a good beer because a German woman wouldn’t buy bad beer.

Now that I’m older I’ve realized that we were poor and it was about all we could afford.

And if someone takes it out of the good grace of their heart to buy me a Coors Light or an Old Milwaukee, I would politely decline. And this has happened though it is rare. People find out rather quickly that I appreciate good beer and it is rarely an issue. Actually, I’ve had more people say “hey, I was gonna get you a crap beer but figured you wouldn’t want it” than the converse. And they were always correct – I wouldn’t have wanted that beer.

Storytime:About 5 years ago I took my Aunt and Uncle from Germany to Bardstown Kentucky to visit this rustic little town, home to Whiskey and other Kentucky history. Towards the end of the day we were all tired and we made our way to some bar in the town.They took a seat in the empty pub while I walked up to the bar. I looked at their very meager beer selection and said to the bartender “Three Beck’s please”.

BecksMy Aunt and Uncle heard that I was ordering a German beer and called out “No, no Beck’s. We’re in America, we want American beer”.

I looked at them somewhat dumbfounded and then told the bartender “Three Beck’s please”.

My Aunt and Uncle became much more demonstrative and insisted they didn’t want a Becks.

“Are you sure” I asked them in German.

“Positive” they replied.

So I asked the bartender for three MGD’s. (My only other choice was Miller Lite. Really, the beer selection was extremely meager).

I brought the MGD’s to our table. My Aunt immediately became suspicious of the beer. She laughed at how transparent it was and how you could almost see through it. She sniffed the beer and smelled that classic spoiled smell of a macro brew. She didn’t look pleased.

So I confidently lift my glass, tap glasses with my Aunt and Uncle and take a nice big gulp of yuck.

Both my Aunt and Uncle, unprepared for this particular culinary….”delight” both put their glasses down and made the classic yuck face.

“I warned you” I told them. “You should have let me order the Becks”.

Sam Adams BucketThey apologized and said that yes, from now on they will fully trust my beer judgement. Later that evening I ordered a round of Sam Adams and they both thought it was a fine beer. From that point on, whenever they had to order they would just say “Adams” and they knew they would be given something very drinkable.

The last time I saw them in Germany 2 years ago, they still remembered to never, ever order a Miller in America.

June 22, 2007

Super Long Dramatic Chipmunk

Is this the greatest Chimpmunk clip of all time?

 Flinchbot Says: No. This is.

US Soccer: Any hope for 2010?

June 18, 2007

Despite much hype, the 2006 US Men’s National Soccer Team sucked ass in the last World Cup. They did briefly show up against Italy but for the most part they slid right out of that tournament and no one missed them.

Soccer BallThere were some problems with that team. Lack of leadership, a high reliance on very young players, and a coach who had no idea how to get his team to consistently score goals.

Since last year’s World Cup, US Soccer (finally) hired a new coach in Bob Bradley who appears to be a good (fifth) choice. As the first major post-World Cup tournament for the US is underway, the team is looking strong in the Gold Cup. Well, they should look strong against El Salvador and a severely depleted Trinidad & Tobago.

The team is putting up goals while playing strong defense. But other than US Soccer51st ranked Panama, the US hasn’t played anyone yet. 56th ranked Canada is next up followed by a probable game against rival (and 26th ranked) Mexico.

The US then follows up the Gold Cup by playing with some serious big boys in the Copa America (Brazil (3rd), Argentina (5th), Mexico (26th), Uruguay(30th), Colombia (31st), Paraguay(37th), and Ecuador (44th)).

For the record, the US is currently ranked 16th in the World.

The whole point of the Men’s National Team for the next 2 years or so is to get everything lined up for the next World Cup.

Which begs this question: Will the US punk out again in the 2010 World Cup, or will they make some noise like they did in 2002 when they lost 1-0 in the quarterfinals to eventual finalists Germany?

FlavaDave Says: The United States World Cup team will win it all because of the leadership of a God amongst men, DaMarcus Lamont Beasley.Mr. Beasley was born and raised in a hotbed of manly excellence: Fort Wayne, Indiana.  The city is named after a fort.  The fort was named after General “Mad” Anthony Wayne.  He was a General because he kicked a ton of frontier ass.  He kicked ass not because he was given orders to do so or because he felt a sense of duty to the people around him.  Hell no.He kicked ass just because he was pissed.With such a massive muscle flex of pure awesomeness, a city was born.  His manly juices seeped out of his pores, saturating the soil and contaminating the waters.  The waters that the youth of Fort Wayne drink to this day.With that pedigree of bad-assedness instilled in every generation, each Fort Wayne resident is born with a silver platter of greatness delivered to their feet room-service style.  It is no surprise then that 85% of all Ft. Wayne men achieve greatness in their lifetime (the rest become chefs and lawyers).Titans of modern living such as Rod Woodson, Dave Thomas, Fred Zollner, Johnny Appleseed, and David Searle have sprung forth with a mighty burst from her bosom.  And recently, a new beacon of light has illuminated the nation from the northeastern corner of Indiana: DaMarcus Beasley.Smarter than Ken Jennings, stronger than a drink at the Mel, faster than a virgin sexual encounter: DaMarcus is a specimen of genuine butt-kickin’-in’.He will score every goal, intercept every pass, win every header, and impregnate every attractive female spectator.   You don’t know this yet, but DaMarcus will go back in time and end apartheid during halftime of the 2010 final match.  Of course, we’ve already felt the effects of this.  That is because we are currently in the second incarnation of the year 2007.  You see, DaMarcus already did it, and now apartheid is over, but he still has to do it, but…………………Nevermind.  It takes a Fort Wayne mind to comprehend the sheer magnitude of his accomplishment.  Do your Germanic mind a favor and take this on faith:

USA is going all the way.

 Flinchbot Says: Well, that is some serious man-love for DaMarcus Beasley. He is certainly one of those young bucks who will be expected to carry the team in 2010. And so far in the Gold Cup, he’s banged in 2 goals so far. Landon Donovan is figuring out what his role on the team is (though Coach Bradley needs to figure out that his role should not include “free kick taker”). Team USA has a hot young goalie in Tim Howard and a whole collection of interesting players that may very well be in their primes in 2010.My problem with Team USA is at this point, they don’t have any world class players that can hold the jock of Ronaldinho and I don’t see any that will magically show up by 2010. And though soccer is very much a team sport, the lack of world class talent will relegate the US to once again lose in the Quarterfinals in 2010.RonaldinhoI look at a country like Germany and they are loading up on players who may break into the world class level. The likes of Bastian Schweinsteiger, Lukas Podolski, and Manuel Neuer all have the capability of being top flight, elite players. Other countries have that as well. Look at England: Freaking Wayne Rooney is only 22 years old and he is already known around the world. (Too bad England is doomed to always be overrated going into the World Cup and ultimately performing only slightly better than the US.)

You know Brazil is going to turn out 3 more studs by 2010.

At this point, the US just can’t compete with the talent throughout the world. I mean, your boy DaMarcus is so important to a team in the Dutch Eredivisie that they loaned him to a middling Manchester City. DaMarcus is so good that his main team thinks he’ll get more playing time somewhere else.

And that’s a bad sign for the US in 2010. One of the main players on Team USA can’t even consistently crack the starting lineup of a freaking Dutch team.

The Gold Cup so far shows that the US is clearly better than most of the teams in our part of the world. The Copa America later this summer will really show us how much more work the team has to do.

I’m afraid right now that there is a whole lot of work left to be done. I’m still not convinced that the US has a reliable goal scorer, though your boy DaMarcus is looking good. Kenny Cooper of the Houston Dynamo has impressed me in his moments with Team USA and in the one Houston Dynamo game I watched a few weeks ago.

I really want the US National Men’s team to become a world force. I just don’t see it happening in 2010. Maybe in 2014.

 Here’s a reason the US still struggles…A World Class player would not only have scored the goal but would have also not embarrassed himself.

Which is More Awesome: Japanese TV or American TV?

May 30, 2007

Hey everyone. Hope you had plenty of burgers and caught some of the 500 this weekend.

Today, we tackle the boob tube. We all watch it, mostly because we are bored. In the beginning, it was just the three major networks (NBC, CBS, ABC). Fast forward to the nineties, and suddenly we have over 100 channels on cable, with the option to buy a satellite dish and pump even more cathode-ray goodness into your brain. And today, our options have exploded with bit torrent downloading and, of course, the glory that is YouTube.

YouTube has let us take a peek at all kinds of crazy stuff we either forgot about or have never seen. Old GI Joe episodes, classic SNL sketches, and dancing little people from Bollywood films.

But the biggest sensation to sweep YouTube is Japanese Television. From the insane game shows to ‘Soccar’ to ‘Silent Library’, a new clip pops up every day that blows our minds. Plans are in the works to include an all-Japanese station on common cable providers, and ‘Most Extreme Challenge’ is the best thing about Spike TV.

Meanwhile, America still has it going on. ‘The Office’, ‘The Sopranos’, and ’24’ have given us plenty of reasons to slack off on the couch, while ‘American Idol’ at least gives us something to talk about.

No doubt that American TV is the best overall product. Americans watch more TV than anybody; we spend more money on TV than anybody; hell, we invented the damn thing.

But Japanese TV sometimes seems to have a lot more fun with the medium. So the question becomes this:

Which is more awesome: Japanese TV or American TV?

Flinchbot Says: American TV is more awesome because I can understand what they are saying.

Kidney PondActually, any TV show is better when I can understand what they are saying. That’s why my favorite show is Sunrise Earth on Discovery HD. It’s not because of the fabulous imagery of the world waking up, presented to me in High Def fabulousness. It’s because there is no talking. No over dubs, no screaming, no talking, no bright lights. Just calm soothing images and the sounds of nature.

It’s kind of boring, though.

But I’ll take that any day over the Technicolor super-ultra-extreme-total-happy-fun TV that is being exported to the US.

Here is all of the Japanese TV that I see: Make people do something that causes them to get hurt. Or at least fall into a big pool of water. Then everyone pretend that they hoped to make it past whatever obstacle.

I don’t like reality TV at all, unless you can bet on it. At that point, it’s called “sports”. Apparently the Japanese are also reality-tv obsessed, but their reality TV involves obstacle courses.

Or at least that’s what I’ve seen so far.

I guess I’m here defending American TV and all that it has to offer. You know, top quality programming like American Idol. A show that has yet to really produce an American Idol. I guess that one chick that one is having a successful career in Country music. Carrie Underwood? Is that it?

Ruben StuddardBut what about the other 7 or 8 winners? I can’t even name last years winner. There was that Ruben guy but I think he actually lost to that little gay kid. He also had that one really, really terrible ballad about counting down a year or something. It was unlistenable.

Rupert SurvivorThen there is that other heavily watched program called Survivor. I can’t name a single Survivor winner other than Rupert and that’s only because he’s from Indiana and they parade him out every so often at some Charity event.

American TV is best when it takes chances. Shows like “The Sopranos” or “Entourage” or “The Larry David Show”…actually any show on HBO rocks.

Really, here is why American TV is the best TV in the world: HBO original programming, ESPN, and that one decent sitcom every decade that ends up getting shown in 132 countries in 74 different languages.

Has there ever been a Japanese TV show that has been reworked for American TV in the way that “The Office” was reworked from British TV to American?

Nope. Therefore, Japanese TV is just a bunch of silly obstacle courses.

Therefore, American TV owns.

FlavaDave Says: When is the last time American TV made you say “holy shit!”?

When is the last time you said, “Good lord, what a great idea for a show?” What about “Man, I wouldn’t have thought of that in a million years?”

It just doesn’t happen. Did you hear about the new show that’s just like American Idol but for celebrity impersonators! Wow! I don’t even know the name of it, and I refuse to give that show the dignity of Googling it.

But Japanese TV? Holy hell, Japanese TV. Every damn week I see a new clip of mind-blowing inventiveness. Entire blogs are dedicated to the phenomenom (like Japan Probe).

American TV has no pop. No juice. It is like the Tim Duncan of national television markets. Mostly classy, consistent, gets the job done. Hell, Duncan is the best player in the NBA and American TV is the best in the world. But we’re talking awesome here, and Japan is the LeBron James, tossing crazy passes and posterizing the Spurs front line.

Can you find me some American TV clips as awesome as these?

Flinchbot Says:




And yes, I know it’s a preview for the movie, but that is just to point out how massively aweseom this TV show is. Just showing a silly clip doesn’t fully point out the awesomeness.

FlavaDave Says: Now, ‘The Simpsons’ is my favorite show of all time. No question. But is it awesome? Especially now?

The Simpsons haven’t been awesome in 12 years. Let me know when you can whip up an example from within the last decade. Automatic DQ if you post a Family Guy clip.

And by the way, did you see Sexy Jogging? Come on!

Also, Japanese commercials are way better, too.

Flinchbot Says: So if you insist, let me point to Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network as awesome television. You should especially like this one:

 Then, there is the Good ol’ Daily Show. And the Colbert Report. Don’t tell me those shows aren’t awesome.

And finally, there is this. If this doesn’t prove the awesomeness of American TV?

Worst Movie Ever.

May 24, 2007

There have been a ton of bad movies made. Really, 90% of the movies suck. Badly.

So with all of the crap movies I’ve seen, there is one that just makes me throw up in my mouth a lot more than any other film:

Dirty Dancing.

Dirty Dancing

That move blows chow in ten different ways. It blows so much that Wind Turbines are put up outside each theatre to help power 30,000 area homes.

That movie sucks so much that the Electrolux corporation is considering a patent infringement lawsuit.

That move is so bad that other bad movies say to each other “Damn, that movie is bad!”.

That movie is so retarded that it makes the Special Olympics look like the height of human athletic achievement.

That movie is so stupid that one time it tripped over a cordless phone.

That movie is so dumb that mute’s are offended by what it has to say.

TrophyAnyway – Flava: it’s up to you to prove to me that not only is Dirty Dancing NOT the worst movie ever but that there is clearly a worse movie out there that deserves to be awarded with the coveted F vs F Suck Ass Movie of All Time award.

The floor is now yours.

FlavaDave Says: 90% of movies suck? Bah humbug, Flinch. I know you’re old, but I didn’t know you had become curmudgeonly so quickly. Shake your fist at Blockbuster! SHAKE IT!!!As for your All-Time Suck Ass Movie pick, I’m not feeling ya. Does ‘Dirty Dancing’ suck? Yeah, it does suck.It sucks like a fox.Consider these moments that, although I’ve never seen the movie in its entirety, I can pull off the top of my head:

  • “No one puts Baby in a corner”
  • The “I’m a maniac, maaaaaaaniac” scene
  • The backalley abortion

dirty-dancing-poster-c10315512Were these scenes actually good? Hell no. Were they supposed to be funny? Nope. But were they hilarious? Yes. And that, my friends, is what we in the ‘snarky blogger’ world like to call ‘Unintentional Comedy’.

You see, no movie that is unintentionally funny can be the ‘suck ass movie of all time’, because in the end it’s still funny. Even though the movie works on a completely different level than they were shooting for, it still works to a degree. Hell, I paid money for ‘Plan 9‘.

Do these kind of movies still suck? Yes. But they can’t be the worst of all time.

Here are the rules:

  • Shouldn’t be a drama, because bad dramas are almost always funny
  • Shouldn’t be an action movie, because explosions are always a little bit cool
  • Shouldn’t have any bloody murders/deaths, because there’s always a cheap thrill in that
  • Shouldn’t have anything laughably bad at all

This narrows the field down to two types of contenders: boring art films and romantic comedies.

I’ll share my pick after the jump (and after lunch).

FlavaDave Says: Okay, I’m full of sushi and ready to unload some cinematic science up in here. My first instinct for the F vs F Suck Ass Movie of All Time was ‘The Blair Witch Project’. So, so boring. No awesome murders or explosions, and no hilariously bad acting. ( Yes, the acting was terrible, but not in a “weird, overactive nerdy kid putting his heart into a school play” kinda way, but in a “semi-competent but ultimately uninspiring normal kid in a school play” sort of way.) But the really tight, up-the-snotty-nose confessional shot is a comedy classic, and the very last scene is kinda cool. So it’s not the worst. I also have high hopes for ‘2001: A Space Travesty, but I’ve never actually seen it. (That’s the other flaw with this debate; I’ve seen a healthy percentage of the great movies, but I haven’t seen but a fraction of the awful ones).For some reason, a particular movie has been showing up on TV alot recently. The movie is so bland, that I can’t even tell you what channel it was on (I’m thinking Comedy Central or HBO). I’ve left it on while using my laptop, and hours will go by without a single thing catching my attention. The acting is indistinguishable, the direction is thoughtless, and the jokes are punchless. The plot is so standard that I can’t even remember why the events are occurring.And that’s it. That’s all I can possibly think to say about this movie.What movie, you ask? Well, I had to IMDB the title, but apparently its:

Good AdviceGood Advice

According to an IMBD user, the plot is this:

Ryan is a womanizing stockbroker whose unethical business practices cost him his job and his trader’s license. Unable to find another job, he is forced to move in with his equally self-involved (and completely oblivious) girlfriend, Cindy, an insensitive advice columnist on the cusp of losing her own job due to her poor advice and slow work habits. Ryan decides to stay in the apartment and earn a living by doing Cindy’s job. Initially as hopelessly inept as Cindy in giving advice, he nearly gets the column canceled. However, he rapidly grows into the job………………….

Blah blah blah, you get the idea.

And that’s it. That’s all I have to say about the movie. I’ve seen all of it, and

  1. I forget how it ends
  2. I can’t remember a single joke
  3. I was only 65% sure Angie Harmon was in it, even though she is a lead character

This movie went straight to video (big shock). The real clincher is that the user rating of this movie isn’t that bad (it is a 6.0). Accounting for typical internet poll inflation, that is a solid 5. Right in the middle.

You see, actual movie quality is not on a 0-10 scale. It is a ’10-to-negative 10′ scale. But the dirty little secret of Hollywood is that extraordinary suckage still counts as entertainment.

‘Good Advice’ is absolute zero on that scale. And that makes it the F vs F Suck Ass Movie of All Time.

Flinchbot Says: While it’s true that almost all bad drama’s are funny (See the TV show 24 for proof), it takes an all time crap ass movie to break that theorem. Not only is Dirty Dancing not funny, it’s not even remotely funny. There is no campiness. Certainly, there is cheese. The state-of-Wisconsin-amounts of cheese. But none of it is good cheese. It is all rotten, horrible, stinky cheese.

I mean c’mon. The line everyone knows from that movie is “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”

1.) I’ll put that bitch in the corner pronto, complete with my boot straight to her chin, a la Jennifer Gray’s kick to Principal Rooney’s noggin in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

2.) What the hell does that exactly mean? Putting someone in the corner? Did anyone ever really say that? Who says that? Who said that? I’m confused.

As you pointed out, the soundtrack also blew donkey dicks. The big hit single on that was by the musical powerhouse of Jennifer Warnes and Bill Medley. Hey Bill, sing me a fucking Medley of all your solo hits. You can’t.

I have to correct you. The “I’m a Maniac” song is by Michael Sembello from the movie Flashdance. Two things here.

1.) I knew it was from Michael Sembello off the type of my head so you better start worshipping my freaking 80’s one hit wonder awesomeness.

2.) That further adds to how much Dirty Dancing blew because you can’t even remember what freaking songs were on the best-selling soundtrack.Eric Carmen

How about “Hungry Eyes” by blowhard Eric Carmen. Yeah, that song didn’t suck. Not! The soundtrack’s only redeeming value is “Be My Baby” by the Ronettes. Not even hip-80’s-band-for-28-seconds The Blow Monkeys could place their one moderately useful song on that soundtrack. (For reference, the song was “Digging Your Scene”. Bow lower before my 80’s Awesomeness – I didn’t have to Google that one either.)

The movie Good Advice isn’t even close to most suck ass movie of all time, even though it does feature some of the most suck ass actors of all time. Charlie Sheen – If you aint’ playing a rebel cowboy (see Young Guns) then stay off my movie screen. As for Denise Richards, I’d like to ask you one question:

Spell “vapid”.

If she can spell that correctly on the first try without stopping twice and looking up to the sky as if the word were written in the clouds, I’ll give her a hot dog.

The reason why Good Advice doesn’t qualify as worst ever movie is that, even though it no doubt sucks, it does have this candy to look at:

Denise Richards

And even though I think I lose IQ points every time she opens her mouth you can’t help but thinking that she does have a great body and a certain “come hither” look.

“And let’s not forget Angie Harmon:

Angie Harmon

Meanwhile, Dirty Dancing had this:

Jennifer Grey

I mean holy hell – not even the camera wanted to be focused for this shot. At least Jennifer Grey knew she had no chance of looking hot. So she finally got some plastic surgery done and now looks at least decent.

And we can compare Charlie Sheen to Patrick Swayze. Look, Charlie Sheen is a terrible actor, but at least he has a fetish for high priced hookers and partying like it’s 1999. In this world of digging up dirt and paparazzi and all that, at least his personal life is entertaining.

What has Patrick Swayze done? Other than being a terrible actor? I mean golly, he sang “She’s Like the Wind” on the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack. He’s been married to the same woman since 1975, so that’s honorable.

In all possible ways, Dirty Dancing is the epitome of terrible. Good Advice most certainly sucks, but there are wonderful nuggets of entertainment in there. Or at least, Denise Richards and Angie Harmon are eye candy and from my primal male point of view, that alone keeps the movie from suckage.

FlavaDave Says: What has Swayze done? WHAT HAS SWAYZE DONE???

This is how I knock that crazy question out of the park like Jack Crews:








The fact that I even need to explain this to you proves that you have a fundamental inability to grasp the glory of the cheese. You can’t smell the difference between the Limburgers, the French Bries, or the plain ‘ol Kraft cheeses of the cinematic world. It’s all the same to you, so you just look at DVD cases and go with whichever one gives you the smallest boner.

Well Flinch, there’s more to life than boners my friend. And for your lack of cheese comprehension, you are (for the sake of this conversation) impotent.

Flinchbot Says: While it’s true that I should be boxed around the ears for forgetting that Swayze was in Donnie Darko, we must remember that he was a supporting actor in that movie, and not the star.

In Dirty Dancing, he was most assuredly one of the two stars. And that cracker can not carry a movie.

I mean holy mackerel – His starring roles are Dirty Dancing, Point Break, and whatever Black Dog was. This doesn’t exactly put him in the realm of, oh, Brando with Streetcar Named Desire, The Godfathers, and On the Waterfront. And if you choose to counter that no one can match Marlon Brando and that it’s an unfair comparison, then I’ll use Charlie Sheen.

Men At WorkGiven the choice of having to watch Dirty Dancing, Point Break, and Black Dog (WTF?) or Young Guns, Good Advice, and Hot Shots! Part Deux…that’s a no brainer. Gimme the Charlie Sheen Movie Marathon any day of the week, double-triple because it also includes Being John Malkovich. And Major League.

Clearly, taking his whole body of work as one, Charlie Sheen has done much better movies than Patrick Swayze. Remove Dirty Dancing from Swayze’s resumee, and his movies still suck balls (except for Donnie Darko).

So, since Patrick Swayze is about one of the worst actors going, isn’t it becoming more and more clear that the unending suckitude of Dirty Dancing ends up not having an end. It’s an endless amount of suck.

It is the black hole of suck.

Once Stephen Hawking fully figures out black holes, he can then point his efforts at addressing the suck all vortex of doom known as Dirty Dancing. However, I fear that it is this immutable challenge that will kill him well before his ALS gets the better of him.

Oh, and I’ll take a Denise Richards film festival over that of Jennifer Grey. Sure, J-Grey did Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. But the mindless Denise Richards was a Bond Girl, and that about trumps all.


FlavaDave Says: For your sake, I’ll give you a mulligan and pretend that you didn’t just say that Richard’s Bond movie was better than ‘Ferris Bueller’.

I also don’t know quite how this got twisted into a Sheen vs. Swayze debate, but as Steve alluded to in the comments section, I’m holding the trump card in that sub-argument:



It is the Citizen Kane of cheese. If the real ‘Kane’ is the Alpha, ‘Road House’ is the Omega of the negative side on the “10-to-negative 10” movie scale.

Do you deny the truth of the cheese scale, Mike? Or can you not appriciate delicious Fromage when you see it?

Flinchbot Says: It turned into Sheen vs. Swayze when you were unable to repudiate the fact that Dirty Dancing is not only more sucktacular than Good Advice, but that it is also the most suck movie of all time.

And because that movie sucks at record levels, it’s tainted the entire career of Patrick Swayze with such a stench of failure that not even a guest appearance in the fantabubrilliant Donnie Darko can clear the smell off his filmography.

Now, my friends and family in Germany have a fond spot for Road House for two reasons (I’m big on giving two reasons, aren’t I?):

1.) They appreciate American Cheese as much as anyone

Rothaus2.) The local preferred brew of theirs is by a brewery called Rothaus. Now, we English speakers would pronounce that “rot house” as in “That animal carcass is rotting”. However, in German the “rot” is pronounced very close to the way we pronounce the word “road”. As such, they essentially claim the movie Road House is even more bad ass than usual because it shares the name with their favorite beer.

Or something like that.

Now for the sake of full disclosure, I have never seen the movie Road House. I have been told by numerous people that “it’s better than you think it would be”. And it better be. For the one worse actor than Patrick Swayze is Keanu Reeves.

The directors of The Matrix trilogy tried really hard to hide Keanu’s flat as a flour-burrito acting “skills” but really, they screwed the pooch by even casting him as Neo. So that a no talent ass clown like Keanu is also in the movie seriously makes me wonder if Road House is not in fact a worse movie than Dirty Dancing.

But as I have not seen Road House, I can not make that claim. Further, it is absolutely impossible to make a worse movie than Dirty Dancing, so Road House can be no worse than the second worst movie of all time.

Also, considering the testimonials of Flave Dave, my cousin and friends in Germany, and our first commentor Steve, I’d have to say that Road House is at worst tolerable, at most a joyous celebration of fromage.

So even if I were to give Road House it’s proper due and consider it a good movie that Swayze has been in, he has still done many, many fewer good movies than Charlie Sheen.

Good movies by Patrick Swayze:

  1. Donnie Darko

  2. Road House

  3. Red Dawn

  4. Youngblood

  5. The Outsiders

Good movies by Charlie Sheen:

  1. Being John Malkovich

  2. Major League

  3. Red Dawn

  4. Scary Movie

  5. Hot Shots!

  6. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

  7. Platoon

  8. Wall Street

  9. Eight Men Out

  10. The Arrival

There, that’s 10 movies with Charlie Sheen that I would watch and enjoy. That’s five for your boy Swayze.

So it’s clear, even with Road House and Donnie Darko, Charlie Sheen is twice the actor that Patrick Swayze is. Or something.

And since Patrick Swayze is half the actor that a blowhard like Charlie Sheen is, that is more proof that Dirty Dancing is the worst movie ever. EVAR!

FlavaDave Says: So I got the analogies thing, and you got the ‘two reasons’ thing, huh?

Well, I’ll give two reasons why your Swayze-hating, Road-House-with-Point-Break-confusing, Mrs. Seahorn-boner-growing ass lost this debate to Flava:

  • Deez
  • Nutz

“Calling Flinch the winner is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don’t belong.”

Road House 

Killing the Clock

May 21, 2007

Due to paycheck-related circumstances, F versus F won’t be new again until Thursday. Check back with us then because it is sure to be a special one.

In the meantime, we gotta kill the clock a bit. So in honor of Spamalot‘s recent run at Indy’s Murat Theater, I present to you a classic sketch about our favorite pastime (arguing, duh). Enjoy.

A man walks into an office.

Man: Good morning, I’d like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see, well we’ll see who’s free at the moment.
Mr. Bakely’s free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory. No.
Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.
Man: Thank you.

He enters room 12.

Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that…
Man: What?
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
A: OH! Oh! I’m sorry! This is abuse!
M: Oh! Oh I see!
A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
M: Oh…Sorry…
A: Not at all!
A: (under his breath) stupid git.

The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man:(pause) I’ve told you once.
Man: No you haven’t!
Other Man: Yes I have.
M: When?
O: Just now.
M: No you didn’t!
O: Yes I did!
M: You didn’t!
O: I did!
M: You didn’t!
O: I’m telling you, I did!
M: You didn’t!
O: Oh I’m sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.
O: Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not!
O: Now let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN’T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN’T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN’T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh look, this isn’t an argument!


O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn’t!


M: It’s just contradiction!
O: No it isn’t!
M: It IS!
O: It is NOT!
M: You just contradicted me!
O: No I didn’t!
M: You DID!
O: No no no!
M: You did just then!
O: Nonsense!
M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
O: No it isn’t!
M: Yes it is!
M: I came here for a good argument!
O: AH, no you didn’t, you came here for
an argument!
M: An argument isn’t just contradiction.
O: Well! it CAN be!
M: No it can’t!
M: An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a
O: No it isn’t!
M: Yes it is! ’tisn’t just contradiction.
O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
M: Yes but it isn’t just saying “no it isn’t”.
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn’t!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn’t!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it ISN’T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
O: It is NOT!
M: It is!
O: Not at all!
M: It is!

The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.

O: Thank you, that’s it.
M: (stunned) What?
O: That’s it. Good morning.
M: But I was just getting interested!
O: I’m sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!!
O: I’m afraid it was.
M: (leading on) No it wasn’t…..
O: I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any more.
O: If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five
M: But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
Oh this is…
This is ridiculous!
O: I told you…
I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
O: Thank you.
M: (clears throat) Well…
O: Well WHAT?
M: That was never five minutes just now.
O: I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid!
M: Well I just paid!
O: No you didn’t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn’t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn’t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn’t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn’t!
M: I-dbct-fd-tq! I don’t want to argue about it!
O: Well I’m very sorry but you didn’t pay!
M: Ah hah! Well if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH!
O: No you haven’t!
M: Yes I have!
If you’re arguing, I must have paid.
O: Not necessarily.
I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
M: I’ve had enough of this!
O: No you haven’t.
(door slam)