Killing the Clock

Due to paycheck-related circumstances, F versus F won’t be new again until Thursday. Check back with us then because it is sure to be a special one.

In the meantime, we gotta kill the clock a bit. So in honor of Spamalot’s recent run at Indy’s Murat Theater, I present to you a classic sketch about our favorite pastime (arguing, duh). Enjoy.

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A man walks into an office.

Man: Good morning, I’d like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see, well we’ll see who’s free at the moment.
Mr. Bakely’s free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory. No.
Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.
Man: Thank you.

He enters room 12.

Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that…
Angry man: DON’T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED EVIL PAN OF DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS
STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
A: OH! Oh! I’m sorry! This is abuse!
M: Oh! Oh I see!
A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
M: Oh…Sorry…
A: Not at all!
A: (under his breath) stupid git.

The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man:(pause) I’ve told you once.
Man: No you haven’t!
Other Man: Yes I have.
M: When?
O: Just now.
M: No you didn’t!
O: Yes I did!
M: You didn’t!
O: I did!
M: You didn’t!
O: I’m telling you, I did!
M: You didn’t!
O: Oh I’m sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.
O: Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not!
O: Now let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn’t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN’T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN’T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN’T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh look, this isn’t an argument!

(pause)

O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn’t!

(pause)

M: It’s just contradiction!
O: No it isn’t!
M: It IS!
O: It is NOT!
M: You just contradicted me!
O: No I didn’t!
M: You DID!
O: No no no!
M: You did just then!
O: Nonsense!
M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
O: No it isn’t!
M: Yes it is!
(pause)
M: I came here for a good argument!
O: AH, no you didn’t, you came here for
an argument!
M: An argument isn’t just contradiction.
O: Well! it CAN be!
M: No it can’t!
M: An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a
proposition.
O: No it isn’t!
M: Yes it is! ’tisn’t just contradiction.
O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
M: Yes but it isn’t just saying “no it isn’t”.
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn’t!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn’t!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it ISN’T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
O: It is NOT!
M: It is!
O: Not at all!
M: It is!

The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.

O: Thank you, that’s it.
M: (stunned) What?
O: That’s it. Good morning.
M: But I was just getting interested!
O: I’m sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!!
O: I’m afraid it was.
M: (leading on) No it wasn’t…..
O: I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any more.
M: WHAT??
O: If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five
minutes.
M: But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
Oh this is…
This is ridiculous!
O: I told you…
I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
O: Thank you.
M: (clears throat) Well…
O: Well WHAT?
M: That was never five minutes just now.
O: I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid!
M: Well I just paid!
O: No you didn’t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn’t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn’t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn’t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn’t!
M: I-dbct-fd-tq! I don’t want to argue about it!
O: Well I’m very sorry but you didn’t pay!
M: Ah hah! Well if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH!
Gotcha!
O: No you haven’t!
M: Yes I have!
If you’re arguing, I must have paid.
O: Not necessarily.
I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
M: I’ve had enough of this!
O: No you haven’t.
(door slam)

Nintendo vs. Sony Week: Wii vs. PS3

(Note: Throughout the week, Flava and Flinch will be battling it out controller-to-controller, cartridge to CD as they determine which gaming company is best in the land: Nintendo or Sony)

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So this is it. The last day of the wildly successful Nintendo vs. Sony week. And we’ve certainly saved the best for last, as we dive head-first into the hottest debate in the console gamming world: Nintendo Wii vs. Sony Playstation 3. We wanna say thanks for all the new readers we gained, and a special shout out to all the original OGs who were there from the begining. Play on, playas.

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At this moment in time, a console battle is being waged which will go down in the annals of console battledom. Lo, we have before us the mystical Wii, a device so creative as to redefine creativity. A fully cable-free controller that moves as you move, reacts as you react.Is the Wii actually redefining how people interact not only with gaming consoles, but with machines? Is the Wii brining society closer to the machine, ultimately leading to a Matrix-like human/machine coupling?

Meanwhile, Sony once again is attempting to bring raw, brute power to the gaming console world. Begone ye underpowered chipsets. Step aside old load technologies. ( I spit in your general direction, cartridge. I fart in your general direction, compact disc. DVD? Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!)

Here comes the awesome power of the PS3, a device more powerful than many home computers. A device destined to define home entertainment. A device destined to cost over $600.

A device destined to change the way we think of gaming more than the Wii. Like everything else Nintendo does, the Wii is a fun little toy. Enjoy swinging your arms playing Tennis or Baseball. Enjoy watching those oh-so-cute avatars on the screen. Enjoy having no mental challenge at all.

Enjoy the new Mario games. Yawn.The Nintendo Wii is the vitamin enhanced white bread of consoles.Meanwhile, the Sony PS3 is the multigrain all-natural wheat bread. It’s complex, high in fiber, and all around good for you. It engages the body and the mind, and the spirit is not far behind.

Instead of mindless arm swinging, the PS3 has the most realistic graphics and gaming engine ever put out to the mass market. When you walk through the electronics store, it’s really hard to tell if that football game in the far corner is a real game or two kids playing a PS3.

The PS3 can also take full advantage of your newly purchased HD ready TV. Not only do the games show up in full HD glory, the “jury is out” inclusion of a Blu-Ray drive sets the visual enjoyment of movies to maximum warp speed.

Look, I’m not into cutesy cartoons. I’m into serious games that take me to another world, away from the day’s stresses and troubles. The PS3, like no other platform before, accomplishes this.

Now Flava, please bore us with some BS about how all of this doesn’t matter, because playing cartoon games is (oh my gawd!) so much fun!

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When I was mulling the Nintendo vs. Wii debate over in my head, I did what I always do: try to think of an analogy. It is my bread and butter. I’m the analogy guy. And so my brain did its apples-and-wolverines thing, and my mental computer spit out this gem:The PS3 is like Radiohead, and the Wii is like the Black-Eyed Peas.I know. This shocked me as much as it surely does you. Did I paint myself in a corner? Has my love of all things Nintendo been misplaced? Do I even exist??? How can I like the Fergie of video game systems?But then I had an epiphany. And I went all Allen Iverson:

We’re talkin’ bout video games! I mean, we’re talkin’ bout video games! We’re not talking about art! We’re talkin’ bout VIDEO GAMES!!!

Repeatedly throughout the week, you have dismissed Nintendo’s products for being fun. What? Seriously? It’s no longer okay for video games to be fun? Isn’t that the whole point?

Sometimes, I’ll get sucked into playing Call of Duty or some crap. The first couple levels go well, and I’m having fun. But then I get to level four or something and I die. So I play it again. And I die. And again, die. And between the time it takes to load the level, play the level, fail the level, go back to the menu, choose the level again, load the level again, and repeat; I’m approaching an hour of the same crap. And I think: why? Why am I doing this?

I guess I am supposed to feel a deeper sense of accomplishment for defeating a difficult level. But I never do.

Here are the levels of gratification for video game accomplishments (from least to greatest):

1. Beating a video game
2. Beating your friends at a video game
3. Beating the original Ninja Turtles NES game (that shit was impossible)

And that’s it. I don’t care if the game is Lego Star Wars or Devil May Cry 2. When I’m done, I’m done.

Once a week or so, I gather some friends, some beer, and a pizza in a room together to have a video game night. Teriffic fun, I highly recommend it. When we started, I assumed that we would be playing mostly PS2 games like Madden, NBA 2k7, Star Wars Battlefront, etc. And we did at first (with the help of a multi-tap).

But every game we played fell into the same pattern: out of four people, one guy dominated the game, one guy really sucked at the game, and two guys were only having a mild bit of fun. It was okay, but it wasn’t the riotous fun that we were hoping for.

But then something magical happened: we aquired a Game Cube. My roomates had one, because I never would have thought to buy one myself.

Yes, that’s right Flinch. I was once like you. Flava was once a Playstation snob.

Anyhoo, we started playing games like Mario Party, Mario Cart, the new Bond game, Super Strykers, etc. The competition was intense and everybody was having a good time. No, wait. Everyone was having a great time. Teams that won gave each other high fives; teams that lost talked trash about how they were going to win the next one. The room was alive, and video games turned into something that I never knew they could be:

They were fun.

So we’ve been doing this for a long while now. We’ve upgraded to a Wii via one of my friends (I hope to get mine soon) and it is even better. Now that we are all standing and moving around, the energy in the room is even more electric. I look forward to these days all week.

Every once and awhile, I’ll need a gaming fix while by friends are busy and I’ll fire up the ‘ol Playstation 2 to remember the good times. I sit down in my room by myself. Maybe grab some Baked Lays and a PBR. I fire up the machine and wait for it to load. I play the next level, I die. Restart. I try again. I die again. Back to the menu. Load. Wait. Try again. Die. Try again……………………….

Screw this. I’ma go and ride my bike.

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Flinchbot Says: Actually Flava, I agree with you. If we spent more time riding our bikes, and less time rotting our brains with video games, we would be healthier, wealthier, and wiser.Which means we’d get laid. I mean, we’d get laid more. Yeah…that’s what I meant.More.

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FlavaDave Says: And there it is. When arguing about video games, there are no real winners.Although, I should point out that playing Guitar Hero II at my house got a friend of mine laid. But that’s a story for another time…………

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That’s it everybody, go home.  Nothing more to see here.  Go hit the showers and come back ready for a clean run at it after the weekend. Thanks for visiting us, and we will see you bright-and-early Monday morning for a fresh new topic and a cripsy, crunchy, delicious new edition of F versus F.  Later!

Nintendo vs. Sony Week: DS vs. PSP

(Note: Throughout the week, Flava and Flinch will be battling it out controller-to-controller, cartridge to CD as they determine which gaming company is best in the land: Nintendo or Sony)

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Day Two of Nintendo vs. Sony saw Flava take a strategic retreat while Flinch, confident in his obvious victory, decided not to run up the score and instead explored the faults of the PS2. As a result, for the second consecutive day we set an all-time record for hits here at F versus F. Granted, we’ve only been around a month, but we are proud regardless. On to Day Three!(Note: Flinch had a server crisis at work and was out of commission yesterday. So Day Three has stretched into Day Four. Thanks for sticking with us)

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I love me some PS2, so when I heard that Sony was making a portable version of the Playstation I was kinda juiced. All that GTA goodness to go? Hell yeah.So a friend of mine got it, and I asked him about it. “What’s it like?” I said. “It’s just like a portable Playstation”. Awesome!So I got a chance to play it, and he was right. It was………….exactly like a portable Playstation. Same kind of games, same buttons, same look. Only portable.Now, if you are a video game-crazed kid, this might be pretty cool. But I’m (sort of) an adult. I don’t need a 20 minute diversion while my mom drives me to school. I want a cool game system that I have the option to take with me if I go on a long road trip (which is rare).So why would I play the exact same games that I can play on my PS2 with worse graphics, a smaller screen and tiny buttons?Oh yeah, I forgot. I can watch movies on it, too. But how do I fit my DVDs in there? What’s that? I gotta buy a disk that can be played only by my PSP at full price? Uh, no thanks. I’ll stick to my video iPod, thanks.

This is the problem with the PSP. It can do lots of cool stuff, but everything that’s cool about it is replicated by other, better machines (and those machines do it better). The gameplay and games can be experienced on the PS2. The portable movies thing can be done by a video iPod. And the portable games deal is done better by the Nintendo DS.

All the bases are covered by the DS. The graphics look really cool, it is obviously portable, and you can WiFi play with other DS owners. Sweet. But that’s just the start.

The DS has two screens, which is all kinds of handy. Pulling up maps in adventure games without stopping gameplay, activating extra items in Mario Bros., or just simply getting to see more of the action. It is an innovation that isn’t replicated by any other company’s game system, portable or no.But the coolest part of the screen is the fact that it is a touch screen. Cooking Mama is a brilliant game that is done entirely by touch. In fact, the game would be impossible without it. Are there any games on the PSP that would be impossible if the PSP never existed?

Plus, the DS gave us New Super Mario Bros., which is an absolute joy to play.

But don’t ask me. Ask the consumers. The DS has sold 40 million copies so far, while the PSP has shipped only 24 million units so far (they understandably won’t release the actual numbers sold).

So Flinch, since there is nothing new about the PSP, what void in my life does the PSP fulfill?

Flinchbot Says: There’s nothing new? Well try this on for size.

You want to play portable games, so you grab your DS.

You want to watch movies on the go, so you grab your video iPod.

You want to listen to music on the go, so you grab your (video) iPod.

You want to browse the web on the go, so you grab your cell phone.

You want to check in on RSS feeds on the go, so you grab your (much nicer) cell phone.

You want to watch live TV on the go, so you grab your…uh…PDA (or really, really nice cell phone.)

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Meanwhile, I just grab my PSP.

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You are grabbing your PDA/Phone combo, your video iPod, and your DS.

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Of course that’s a slightly unfair comparison, because my cell phone goes everywhere I go, so really you only need to grab your DS and your video iPod. You also better have a kick ass cell phone if you want to match me for on-the-go entertainment. I also recommend you pick up a pair of Dockers Mobile Pants to hold all of this stuff.But hey, if you only want to play a cooking game on a touch screen with your fellow 6 year olds, then go get your DS and head on down the road.What I have not compared so far are like features. Both have 802.11b Wi-Fi, both allow for network play. I’m guessing the DS also has the features where if you don’t have a game I can beam it over to you and then play you head to head?You also ragged on the UMD disc that is on the PSP, saying how you wouldn’t buy one to watch movies. I have yet to buy a UMD movie as well, though I’ve tried and failed to get a few low-ball bids through on eBay. However, I have ripped DVD’s to my 1GB memory chip and watched full movies that way.Good luck doing that with your DS.

And the DS has outsold the PSP, by far. It is a cheaper device. It is also great for stressed parents to give to their kids to get them to shut up for a few hours. What with thrilling games like Cooking Mama I’m surprised I didn’t run out and buy one so I to could “follow real recipes or experiment with your own combinations to create a culinary masterpiece with your stylus. Let’s get cooking, mama!”

And much like our PS1 vs. NES discussion, it also boils down to games and the ability of Sony to get games for kids and adults alike, while Nintendo is great for kids. I’m not a kid. I don’t want no damn Mario anywhere near my gaming console. I want realistic sports games. I want to be able to maul some dude with ultrarealistic blood and guts spewing from ultraviolent activities (Grand Theft Auto, anyone?). I also want to play silly little time-wasters like Lumines (think Tetris).

With the DS, I would have a full world in front of me silly little time-wasters. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to surf the web, listen to music, or watch movies all in one. And that all-in-one makes the PSP the only choice for anyone over 6 years of age.

FlavaDave Says: The DS can surf the web.  Like you said, everybody already has a cell phone, so that’s comming no matter what.  And I take my video iPod with me all the time anyway.

And if you don’t want anything to do with Mario, I don’t know what to tell you.